Become more loyal to your inner world than your outer world

Psychologically, there are two worlds we live in. How things and people seem to be (outer world) and how we feel and see ourselves in this world (inner world). The outer world is our interpretation and our inner world is a knowing. When we become more loyal to our outer world we begin behaving and making decisions that are influenced by external sources with their own agendas, hidden or open. Becoming a slave to outer world needs causes us to behave the way we are meant to based on media, advertising, social media, movies, and perhaps people in your life who don’t truly know you.

It is impossible for anyone to truly know your inner world experience. Think about it, there is nobody in your life who knows or has access to parts of your inner world which you know intimately. For example, my wife Silvana and I and have known each other since 1993. We are very close. You could say that we know everything there is to know about each other. I would completely agree with that. Well, hold on, that seems to fly against what I just said.

Well it does and it doesn’t. There is a big part of my inner world experience which she knows very little about. That part is my work part, meaning when I am in my full flow delivering workshops, whether they are a few hours long or many days long, nobody but me knows intimately how that feels and how it is experienced.  I can’t really describe it. Obviously Silvana knows what I do for a living, but that part of me will never be able to be translated accurately into my outer world to someone who has not had similar experiences.

My best mate whom I have known since 1989 is another person who I am intimately close to. We know everything about each other, yet he has no access to another part of my inner world life, which is my running. Only I know that part of me, what it feels like to finish off the last 12km of a marathon or how it feels to fling my body at the fastest I can hold for a 5km race. Ironically other runners whom I am not as close to, would completely understand that part of my inner world.

In other words, in the sharing of mutual experiences, we build a psychological bridge, from our inner world to the inner world of another. I have many behavioral bridges that link my inner world experiences of running with many fellow runners who ‘get it’, yet the one person who matters to me the most whom I am loyal to beyond word, my wife, doesn’t share that bridge with me.

Clearly Silvana and I share many other bridges into each others inner worlds. Bridges of parenting, marriage, and an array of adventures we have had in our travel world, family world and so on.

The point here is that no one single person has access to every single part of your inner world or mine. This is another way of saying that there is no human being out there who has a bridge to every aspect of your inner world. The only person who has access to every part of your inner world is you.

If we become more loyal to our outer world instead of our inner world, we will start expending unsustainable levels of energy trying to fit in anywhere. Fitting into other’s inner worlds, our identities become lost, diluted, diffused into our human experience. This potentially may lead to an identity crisis, which contributes to anxiety and depression issues.

Deciding to be more loyal to your inner world means you no longer value trying to fit in. Instead, we begin to learn how to appropriately share aspects of our inner worlds with others, and instead of fitting in, we begin to feel like we belong. Considering the fear of not belonging is a universal fear, nothing matters more than the feeling of genuinely belonging to the various parts of your life.

Fitting in is behaving in ways we feel we need to so we can be accepted (fear of not being loved is a universal fear). There are no bridges from our inner world to other’s inner worlds. However, when we belong to a group, a relationship or even an experience we are building bridges from our inner worlds to others. We can never feel lonely or emotionally isolated when we belong.

From a behavioural standpoint what prevents us from building these bridges and truly connecting with someone relates to three fears which relate to all of humanity. We all have a fear of not being enough, not belonging, and not being loved. In other words, what holds us back from building these bridges from our inner worlds to the inner worlds of others is that we feel our inner world is not enough. That is because that thought, or idea, or experience is ours and ours alone, we feel that it may not be as valid as somebody else’s thought, idea or experience. The fear of not being enough can hold us back.

In turn by not sharing we get to minimise our chances of not being accepted. This links directly to our fear of not belonging.  So if we don’t share, we stay safe, we won’t be rejected, which takes care of our fear of not being loved.

The classic irony here, fitting in may seem the safer option, but this is short term. When there are very few if any bridges from our inner world to other’s inner worlds, as said earlier, we will become emotionally isolated. This leads to a life that looks good on the outside but lonely and dark on the inside.

To close this gap become more loyal to your inner world than your outer world. Have the courage to share with the right person, something that matters to you. When sharing a similar experience or activity with someone share your inner world experience of that event or moment. The more bridges we have the more deeply we connect. We can then stop fitting in and begin to belong. That is lot easier believe me.

Thank you for reading, deeply appreciated. Love Joe.